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45 Funny Jokes Minions Quotes With Minions

Here are the best funny minion quotes ever! Everyone loves minions and these hilarious minion quotes will put a smile on your face! See more ideas about Minion quotes, Minions funny, Minions quotes.

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1. “You can’t always control who walks into your life… but you can control which window you throw them out of.”

2. “Based on the look on your face, I assume I thought out loud again”

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3. “Karma no need for revenge. Just sit back & wait. Those who hurt you will eventually screw up themselves & if you’re lucky, god will let you watch.”

4. “My voice sounds great when I’m singing with my earphones on, then I take them off and I realize I sound like a dying walrus.”

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5. “Daughter: What is marriage? Mom : Marriage is just a fancy word for adopting an overgrown male child who cannot be handled by his parents anymore….”

6. “Carrots may be good for your eyes… but booze will double your vision!”

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7. “Best friends they know how crazy you are and still choose to be seen with you in public.”

8. “Snaughling: Laughing so hard you snort, then laugh because you snorted, then snort because you laughed”

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9. “I do it because I can, I can because I want to, I want to because you said I couldn’t”

10. “Common sense is a flower that does not grow in everyone’s garden!”

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11. “I’m gonna order a pizza 5 minutes before new year and when they arrive I’ll say I ordered this a year ago, lol”

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12. “Here is your nose I found it in my business.”

13. “I wish my wallet came with free refills.”

14. “Do not ever underestimate my ability to find shit out.”

15. “I hate it when people text me: “Call me” Im gonna start calling people and when they answer, I’m gonna say: “Text me”, and hang up.”

16. “If you could read my mind, you’d back away slowly, then run for your life!”

17. “Be the kind of woman that when your feet hit the floor each morning the devil says “Oh crap, she’s up.””

18. “We live in the era of smart phones and stupid people.”

19. “A best friend is someone who when you show up at their door with a dead body they say nothing, grab a shovel and follow you.”

20. “I don’t have a bad handwriting, I have my own font.”

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21. “8 years olds today have: Facebook, twitter, Iphone and Ipod. When I was 8, I had a coloring book, crayons, and an imagination.”

22. “Why can’t the house clean itself. It seems to get dirty by itself!”

23. “I am one step away from being rich, all I need now is money.”

24. “You didn’t fall out of the stupid tree… You were dragged through the entire dumbass forest!”

25. “Public toilet I was in the public toilets and had just sat down. A voice from the next cubicle said, “Hi! How are you?” Embarrassed, I said, “I’m doing fine”. The voice said “So what are you up to?”. I said, “Just doing the same as you, sitting here!” From next door, “Can I come over?” Annoyed, I said, “Rather busy right now”. The voice said, “Listen, I will have to call you back, there’s an idiot next door answering all my questions.””

26. “Without stupid people we would have no one to laugh at take time to thank a stupid person for their contribution.”

27. “Sugar is sweet lemons are tart I love you more than a unicorn fart.”

28. “Don’t steal, don’t lie, don’t cheat, don’t sell drugs. …The government hates competition.”

29. “When you are stressed you eat ice cream cake, chocolate, and sweets. Why? Because stressed spelt backwards is dessert.”

30. “From now on, I’ll treat people exactly how they treat me… some will be glad, others should be scared.”

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31. “My bed is a magical place where I suddenly remember everything I was supposed to do.”

32. “When you cry nobody sees your tears, when you are worried nobody sees your pain, when you are happy nobody sees your smile, but you fart just one time …..OMG…..”

33. “Although it gets me into trouble I usually always speak my mind. Because it hurts too much to bite my tongue.”

34. “My mother always told me if you can’t say anything nice don’t say anything at all… And some people wonder why I’m so quiet around them.”

35. “Whatever you do, always give 100% unless you are donating blood : p”

36. “I am temporarily out of order! Please try again later!”

37. “If god shuts a door, quit banging on it! Whatever was behind it, wasn’t meant for you. Consider the fact that maybe he closed that door because he new you were worth so much more.”

38. “If you fart loudly in public, just yell, “Jet power!” and start walking faster.”

39. “Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery but today is a gift. That’s why we call it the present.”

40. “Does anyone else have a plastic bag full of plastic bags in their house, or is it just me?”

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41. “Love me and I will move mountains to make you happy. Hurt me, and I’ll drop those mountains on your head”

42. “Heck, yes, I’m short god only lets things grow until they’re perfect some of us didn’t take as long as others.”

43. “Work, really? Again? Didn’t I just do that yesterday?”

44. “My diet plan: Make all of my friends cupcakes. The fatter they get, the thinner I look!”

45. “My brain cells, skin cells, and hair cells continue to die. But my stubborn fat cells seem to have eternal life.”

46. “Remember when people had diaries & got mad when someone read them? Now they put everything online and get mad when people don’t.”

47. “I’m a sweet girl, but if you piss me off I always have a pocket full of crazy waiting to come out!”

48. “They say don’t try this at home… so I’m going to go to my friends house and try it.”

49. “Our phones fall, we panic. Our friends fall, we laugh.”

50. “People say everything happens for a reason so when I punch you in the face, remember I have a reason”

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