35 Short Funny Quotes About Life to Make You Laugh

Awesome Short Funny Quotes About Life to Make You Laugh “I don’t broadcast every high & I don’t hide every low. I’m trying to live. I’m not trying to convince the world I have a life.”

Our collection of funny quotes which are short, easy to remember but still hilarious “All my life I tho air was free until I bough bag of chips.”

1. “The mind replays what the heart can’t delete.”

2. “I’m not rude I just have the balls to say what everyone else is thinking.”

3. “The most dangerous phrase in any language is “We’ve always done it this way.”

4. “I walk around like everything is fine, but deep down, inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.”

5. “Why be moody when you can shake yo booty”

6. “You know you’re an adult when you get excited to just go home.”

7. “Maybe swearing will help”

8. “Don’t die before you’re dead.”

9. “Don’t forget to drink water and get some sun. You’re basically a houseplant with more complicated emotions.”

10. “Just before I die, I am going to swallow a bag of popcorn kernels. My cremation is going to be epic!”

11. “Please cancel my subscription to your issues.”

12. “Just remember that whatever you put up with, you end up with.”

13. “My parents spanked me as a child as a result, I now suffer from a psychological condition known as “Respect for others”

14. “When life shuts a door … open it again. It’s a door. That’s how they work.”

15. “Three doors in hell a guy gets hit by a car and goes to hell. When he gets there, the devil is standing in front of 3 doors. The devil says, “It’s your lucky day. I’m gonna give you a chance to get out of hell. You have to complete 3 tasks. “Behind this first door is a 1-gallon jug of Jack Daniel’s. You have to drain it in one drink. “Behind the second door is a 600 lb. grizzly bear with a sore tooth. You have to pull the tooth out. “Behind the third door is a nymphomaniac. When you’ve completely satisfied her, you can leave.” The guy figures it’s worth a shot, so he goes in”

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16. “The distance between your dreams and reality is discipline.”

17. “Let’s face it – some people drain the nice right out of you.”

18. “More times than not, your knight in shining armor, turns out to be an idiot wrapped in tin foil.”

19. “Stupid people are like glow sticks. I want to snap them and shake the shit out of them until the light comes on.”

20. “The funny thing about kids is, they are the reason we lose it, and the reason we hold it together”

21. “If you fall, I’ll be there.”

22. “Sometimes Sometimes I can’t tell if I’m in preschool or high school. Oh wait, I’m waiting, I’m at work.”

23. “When you feel like stopping think about why you started”

24. “Some days, the best thing about my job is that the chair spins”

25. “I forgive a lot, but I never forget what’s said and done.”

26. “Be advised: Lack of planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on my part.”

27. “Some days I amaze myself. Other days I look for my phone while I’m talking on it.”

28. “If you’re absent during my struggle, don’t expect to be present during my success.”

29. “My heart has no room for you, but the trunk of my car definitely does.”

30. “I always say “Morning” instead of “Good morning” because if it were a good morning I’d still be in bed asleep”

31. “If my mouth doesn’t say it, my face definitely will.”

32. “I’m at that age where my mind still thinks I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12 while my body mostly keeps asking if I’m sure I’m not dead yet.”

33. “Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.”

34. “I don’t understand why people have to “get ready” for bed. I’m always ready for bed.”

35. “Sometimes we have to remove people without warning we’re getting too old to be explaining what they already know they’re doing wrong.”