Famous Sarcastic Quotes
1. “If you’re waiting for me to give a crap, you better pack a lunch. It’s going to be a while.”
2. “When people ask me stupid questions, it is my legal obligation to give a sarcastic remark.” – Anonymous
3. “No, you don’t have to repeat yourself. I was ignoring you the first time.” – Anonymous
4. “My level of sarcasm has gotten to a point where I don’t even know if I am kidding anymore.” – Anonymous
5. “If karma doesn’t hit you, I gladly will.”
6. “So many people worry about their physical appearance and material possessions, that they completely disregard their crappy personality.”
7. “I never forget a face, but in your case, I’ll be glad to make an exception.”
8. “I don’t go crazy. I am crazy. I go normal from time to time.”
9. “Sometimes I need what only you can provide: your absence.” – Ashleigh Brilliant
10. “When I ask for directions, please don’t use words like ‘East.’”
11. “I’m not saying I hate you, what I’m saying is that you are literally the Monday of my life.” – Anonymous
12. “Sometimes the amount of self-control it takes to not say what’s on my mind is so immense, I need a nap afterward.”
13. “Instead of ‘have a nice day,’ I think I’ll start saying, ‘have the day you deserve.’ You know, let karma sort things out.”
14. “If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments.”
15. “I never forget a face, but in your case, I’ll be glad to make an exception.” – Anonymous
16. “Never mistake my silence for weakness. Nobody plans a murder out loud.”
17. “Zombies eat brains. You’re safe.”
18. “I was asked what I look for in a relationship. Apparently ‘a way out’ wasn’t the right answer.”
19. “If at first, you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you.” – Anonymous
20. “Insanity is hereditary; you get it from your children.” – Sam Levenson
21. “I feel so miserable without you, it’s almost like having you here.” – Anonymous
22. “Don’t worry about what people think. They don’t do it very often.”
23. “Don’t worry about what people think. They don’t do it very often.” – Anonymous
24. “They say each day is a gift! Well, I want to know where customer service is so I can return this one!” – Anonymous
25. “Sarcasm is the secret language that everyone uses when they want to say something mean to your face.”
26. “Instead of ‘single’ as a marital status they should have ‘independently owned and operated.’”
27. “Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until they speak.” Steven Wright
28. “How much better would it be if a liar’s pants really did catch on fire?”
29. “Marriage is a romance in which the heroine dies in the first chapter.” Cecilia Egan
30. “Do you think God gets stoned? I think so… look at the platypus.” Robin Williams, Actor
31. “I love sarcasm. It’s like punching people in the face but with words.” – Anonymous
32. “I’ll always cherish the original misconception I had of you.” – Anonymous
33. “During labor, the pain is so great that a woman can almost imagine what a man feels like when he has a fever.”
34. “If it looks like I give a damn, please tell me. I don’t want to give off the wrong impression.”
35. “If it looks like I give a damn, please tell me. I don’t want to give off the wrong impression.” – Anonymous
36. “I’m not sarcastic. I’m just intelligent beyond your understanding.” – Anonymous
Sarcastic Quotes to Highlight What It Is About Life
38. “Life is hard; it’s harder if you’re stupid.” – John Wayne
39. “Back in my day, people used to take photos with other people in them.”
40. “Shut your mouth when you’re talking to me.”
41. “Life’s good, you should get one.” – Anonymous
42. “If life gives you lemons, then be thankful for it. I have been getting only the peels for as long as I can remember!” – Anonymous
43. “Sorry… to have met you.”
44. “I’m sorry while you were talking I was trying to figure where the hell you got the idea I cared.”
45. “Sarcasm is the lowest form of wit but the highest form of intelligence.” – Oscar Wilde
46. “Just because I don’t care doesn’t mean I don’t understand.”
47. “It’s okay if you don’t like me. Not everyone has good taste.”
48. “If karma doesn’t hit you, I gladly will.” – Anonymous
49. “I love sarcasm. It’s like punching people in the face but with words.”
50. “I would like to apologize to anyone I have not offended yet. Please be patient. I will get to you shortly.”
51. “Sarcasm is the secret language that everyone uses when they want to say something mean to your face.” – Anonymous
52. “If at first, you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you.”
53. “If ignorance is bliss. You must be the happiest person on this planet.” – Anonymous
54. “You play the victim. I’ll play the disinterested bystander.”
55. “I don’t keep secrets, I just keep people out of my business.”
56. “I’ve birthed an entire baby in less time than it takes my husband to poop.”
57. “If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments.” – Anonymous
58. “Life is like a roller coaster, and I’m about to throw up.” – Anonymous
59. “People think I go out of my way to piss them off. Trust me, it’s not out of my way at all.”
60. “When something goes wrong in your life, just yell, ‘Plot twist’ and move on.” – Anonymous
61. “Instead of, ‘Have a nice day,’ I think I’ll start saying, ‘Have the day you deserve.’ You know, let karma sort things out.” – Anonymous
62. “Have some fun with your life. Call in sick to places you don’t even work at.” – Anonymous
63. “Autocorrect still thinks I want to say ‘duck’ times a day.”
64. “The stuff you heard about me is a lie. I’m way worse.”
65. “Sarcasm—helping the intelligent politely tolerate the obtuse for thousands of years.” – Anonymous
66. “You know the difference between a tornado and divorce in the South? Nothing! Someone’s losing a trailer, number one.” Robin Williams, Actor
67. “Life is hard. After all, it kills you.” – Katharine Hepburn
68. “Sometimes I want to go back in time and punch myself in the face.”
69. “Yeah, I’m a pacifist. I’m about to pass a fist across your face.”
70. “When life gives you lemons, squeeze them in people’s eyes.” – Anonymous
71. “My neighbors listen to good music whether they like it or not.”
72. “Sarcasm is the body’s natural defense against stupidity.” – Anonymous
73. “Sarcasm—the ability to insult idiots without them realizing it.” – Anonymous
74. “My neighbor’s diary says that I have boundary issues.”
75. “Sarcasm—because arguing with stupid people just wouldn’t be as much fun.” – Anonymous
76. “Sarcasm helps me overcome the harshness of the reality we live, eases the pain of scars, and makes people smile.” – Mahmoud Darwish
Short Sarcastic Quotes on People and Their Characteristics
78. “I’m not crazy! The voices tell me I am entirely sane.”
79. “Unless your name is Google, stop acting like you know everything.” – Anonymous
80. “You look good when your eyes are closed, but you look the best when my eyes are closed.” – Anonymous
81. “I don’t have the energy to pretend to like you today.”
82. “Someday, you’ll go far. I hope you stay there.” – Anonymous
83. “Me pretending to listen should be enough for you.” – Anonymous
84. “Life is full of disappointments and I just added you to the list.” – Anonymous
85. “I’d agree with you but then we’d both be wrong.”
86. “Apparently rock bottom has a basement.” – Anonymous
87. “Find your patience before I lose mine.” – Anonymous
88. “We are all born crazy. Some of us remain that way.” – Samuel Beckett
89. “If ignorance is bliss, you must be the happiest person on this planet.”
90. “You’d be in good shape… if you ran as much as your mouth.”
91. “Well at least your mom thinks you’re pretty.”
92. “Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until they speak.” – Steven Wright
93. “I’ll get over it. I just need to be dramatic first.”
94. “I don’t have the energy to pretend to like you today.” – Anonymous
95. “If I had a dollar for every smart thing you say, I’ll be poor.” – Anonymous
96. “Sarcasm–the ability to insult idiots without them realizing it.”
97. “It’s okay if you don’t like me. Not everyone has good taste.” – Anonymous
98. “I can explain it to you but I can’t understand it for you.” – Anonymous
99. “Sure I’ll help you out—the same way you came in.” – Anonymous
100. “Tell me. Is being stupid a profession or are you just gifted?” – Anonymous
101. “I clapped because it’s finished, not because I like it.”
102. “I wish I could lose weight as easily as I lose my key, pen, cell phone, temper, and even my mind.”
103. “Please cancel my subscription to your issues.” – Anonymous
104. “If had a dollar for every smart thing you say. I’ll be poor.”
105. “I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.” – Fred Allen
106. “People say that laughter is the best medicine. Your face must be curing the world!” – Anonymous
107. “People say that laughter is the best medicine… your face must be curing the world.”
108. “Everyone has the right to be stupid, but you are abusing the privilege.” – Anonymous
109. “Life’s good, you should get one.”
110. “You know what I like about people? Their dogs.” – Anonymous
111. “It’s amazing how clean my house can get when I’m pissed off.”
112. “I’m sorry I hurt your feelings when I called you stupid. I really thought you already knew.”
113. “Marriage is a bliss for people who aren’t in it.” – Anonymous
114. “Silence is golden. Duct tape is silver.”
115. “I’m not saying I hate you, what I’m saying is that you are literally the Monday of my life.”
116. “What doesn’t kill you gives you a set of unhealthy coping mechanisms and a dark sense of humor.”
117. “Silence is golden. Duct tape is silver.” – Anonymous
118. “Friendships must be built on a solid foundation of alcohol, sarcasm, inappropriateness, and shenanigans.”
119. “There’s no reason to tailgate me when I’m doing in a And those flashing lights on top of your car look ridiculous.”
Epic Sarcastic Quotes That Will Burn Deep Sarcastic
121. “Marriage. Because your crappy day doesn’t have to end at work.” – Anonymous
122. “That is the ugliest top I’ve ever seen, yet it compliments your face perfectly.” – Anonymous
123. “Just burned 2,calories. That’s the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I nap.”
124. “My silence doesn’t mean I agree with you. It’s just that your level of ignorance has rendered me speechless.” – Anonymous
125. “The older I get the less surprised I think I’d be if a random body part just fell off one day.”
126. “If you want to change the world, do it while you’re single. Once you’re married, you can’t even change the TV channel.” – Anonymous
127. “Lead me not into temptation. I know the way.”
128. “Fun fact: Alcohol increases the size of the ‘send’ button by 89%.”
129. “Why do we spend so much time looking for intelligent life on other planets? I’d be happy to find intelligent life here on Earth first.”
130. “I don’t have a welcome mat at my door because I’m not a liar.”
131. “I would like to apologize to anyone I have not offended yet. Please be patient. I will get to you shortly.” – Anonymous
132. “Sure I’ll help you out… the same way you came in.”
133. “Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?” – Anonymous
134. “Oh. I didn’t tell you. Then it must be none of your business.” – Anonymous
135. “My tolerance for idiots is extremely low today. I used to have some immunity built up, but obviously, there is a new strain out there.” – Anonymous
136. “What doesn’t kill you gives you a set of unhealthy coping mechanisms and a dark sense of humor.” – Anonymous
137. “The whiskey tastes like I’m about to tell you how I really feel.” – Anonymous
138. “I don’t fall asleep. I overthink myself into a coma.”
139. “I lost your number. I lost it when I hit ‘delete.’” – Anonymous
140. “Cancel my subscription because I don’t need your issues.”
141. “My friends are so much cooler than yours. They’re invisible.”
142. “No, no, no. I’m not insulting you. I’m just describing you.” – Anonymous
143. “Sometimes I need what only you can provide: your absence.” Ashleigh Brilliant
144. “Sometimes the amount of self-control it takes to not say what’s on my mind is so immense, I need a nap afterward.” – Anonymous
145. “Some people really suck. Avoid them.”
146. “You’re giving me the silent treatment? Finally.”
147. “Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?” – Groucho Marx
148. “I’ll try being nicer if you try being smarter.” – Anonymous
149. “Unless your name is Google stop acting like you know everything.”
150. “Sometimes I wish I were a nicer person, but then I laugh and continue my day.”
151. “Sorry for being late. I got caught up enjoying my last few minutes of not being here.”
152. “Sorry for being late. I got caught up enjoying my last few minutes of not being here.” – Anonymous
153. “Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?” Robin Williams, Actor
154. “I am busy right now, can I ignore you some other time?
155. “What’s a queen without her king? Well, historically speaking, more powerful.” – Anonymous
156. “I’m sorry. While you were talking, I was trying to figure out where the hell you got the idea I cared.” – Anonymous
157. “Tact is for people who aren’t witty enough to use sarcasm.”
158. “Sarcasm is the body’s natural defense against stupidity.”
Funny Sarcastic Quotes That Will Make You Laugh
160. “Keep rolling your eyes. Maybe you’ll find a brain back there.”
161. “Find your patience before I lose mine.”
162. “Tell me how I have upset you because I want to know how to do it again.” – Anonymous
163. “My boss said I intimidate my co-workers. I stared at him until he apologized.”
164. “I don’t always tolerate stupid people. But when I do, I’m probably at work.” – Anonymous
165. “I am busy right now, can I ignore you some other time? – Anonymous
166. “My circle is so small, I almost cut myself off.”
167. “Be the reason someone smiles today… Or the reason someone drinks. Whatever works.”
168. “I’m sorry. I was listening until, out of nowhere, I became distracted by this loud, obnoxious noise that turned out to be your voice.” – Anonymous
169. “Marriage. Because your crappy day doesn’t have to end at work.”
170. “I want to be the reason you look down at your phone and smile. Then walk into a pole.” – Anonymous
171. “Ugliness can be fixed, stupidity is forever.” – Anonymous
172. “I’ll try being nicer, if you try being smarter.”
173. “Me pretending to listen should be enough for you.”
174. “Sometimes I wish I were a nicer person, but then I laugh and continue my day.” – Anonymous
175. “You’re giving me the silent treatment? Finally.” – Anonymous
176. “You’d be in good shape if you ran as much as your mouth.” – Anonymous
177. “My imaginary friend says that you need a therapist.”
178. “You’re everything I want in someone I don’t want anymore.”
179. “If you wrote down every single thought you ever had, you would get an award for the shortest story ever .” – Anonymous
180. “My favorite party trick is not going.”
181. “No, you don’t have to repeat yourself. I was ignoring you the first time.”
182. “Think I am sarcastic? Watch me pretend to care!”
183. “Mirrors can’t talk, lucky for you they can’t laugh either.” – Anonymous
184. “Hell hath no fury like your kid catching you throwing ANYTHING away EVER. I snuggle out broken crayons like a Mexican druglord.”
185. “If you find me offensive. Then I suggest you quit finding me.”
186. “If you wrote down every single thought you ever had you would get an award for the shortest story ever.”
187. “When people ask me stupid questions, it is my legal obligation to give a sarcastic remark.”
188. “I’m sorry I hurt your feelings when I called you stupid. I really thought you already knew.” – Anonymous
189. “Sometimes I wish I was an octopus so I could slap eight people at once.”
190. “If they act like they can live without you… Help them do it.”
191. “Don’t take yourself so seriously, no one else does.” – Anonymous
192. “Sometimes I meet people and feel bad for their dog.”
193. “Sometimes I wish I was an octopus so I could slap eight people at once.” – Anonymous
194. “Right before I die I’m going to swallow a bag of popcorn kernels to make the cremation a bit more interesting.”
195. “Marry me and I’ll never look at another horse!” Groucho Marx
196. “Love is a fire. But whether it is going to warm your hearth or burn down your house, you can never tell.” Joan Crawford
197. “I love deadlines, I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by.” – Anonymous
198. “My silence doesn’t mean I agree with you. It’s just that your level of ignorance has rendered me speechless.”
199. “Ugliness can be fixed, stupidity is forever.”
200. “I don’t believe in plastic surgery. But in your case, go ahead.” – Anonymous
Funny Sarcasm Sayings – Is There Someone You Know Who Is Really Good at Making Witty and Sarcastic Remarks? In the words of Oscar Wilde, “sarcasm is the lowest kind of wit but the finest form of intellect. It takes someone with a bright intellect to be able to employ sarcasm effectively. After all, using words as your armor and protection requires a huge amount of skill and cunning. However, while engaging in conversation with other people, sarcasm should be used with extreme caution. Despite the fact that these comments have elements of comedy, there may be moments when one can go too far with them.
It is important to keep in mind that sarcasm is frequently misunderstood, and if we are not careful, we run the risk of irreparably damaging our relationships with other people. Therefore, make an effort to find a happy medium between the message you intend to send across and the sense of comedy you want to inject into it. Now that that’s out of the way, we hope that these sarcastic quotes were able to provide you with a phrase or two that you may use when you need a clever response. Do you think of yourself as someone who can be humorously snarky at times? Which quotations are you going to utilize next?
